40.

It is always my wish that you might find enough patience within yourself to endure, and enough innocence to have faith. It is my wish that you might gain more and more trust in whatever is difficult for you, in your aloneness, among other things. Allow life to happen to you. Believe me, life is right in all cases.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

i always return to this quote. it lives on the wall of room, but right now i am room less.

aloneness gets newer as you get older and farther away from all that is the opposite of lonely. and best. and comfortable.

adulthood does this to you. makes you stress the shoulds in so many ways.

right now i don't care much for shoulds.

i really just want an old friend and a porch. or a sister and a couch. or even my cat and my own space.

i want something that i can lay down on and not feel the weight of guilt pushing me up, causing me to straighten the sheets.

i want to make a life for myself that is separate from all of the other - and i want to recognize that i already have.

i want my new friends to eventually become those old friends and new porches to support our growth.

but, today, i guess i do want to be home where i'd have my people, we'd have our porches, our pajamas, our jokes.

i want to go home where people love me only and i have no fear of intrusion or confusion or more pain to come.

tomorrow though, i'll try again.

i'll try to jump into this vast city and hope for the best, and have a new day. one where i do much more work than i did today.

[my current room with a view really isn't so bad]