69.

[men and boys...addendum]

proof that sometimes boys are just plain better than men. meet eli, my nephew. what a gem. (yes that's a fake mustache drawn on his face!)

as i spend my days working hard to become a part of the professional world, i've been flexing my personal thought muscles more. i've had a number of good porch sits, phone talks, and heart to hearts while the rocks in my glass swirl about. last night i sat with a friend and talked more on these thoughts of coming of age - old age. or, at least, older age. more on becoming a man, becoming a woman and centering in on our spiritual gravity - as a wise man termed it during a particularly moving porch session.

my friend provided me with some good insight regarding my thoughts on the necessity of overcoming traumas (of varying degrees) in the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional experiences of growing into our selves. those selves that fluctuate with each rainstorm, each act of kindness bestowed upon us by a stranger, each minor or major upheaval of emotion. in my own head, this is sort of an afterword on post number 67, supplementing those thoughts, clarifying or what have you.

as she understood it, it seems to her that there are those kind of folks who abide by the rules of avoidance. these are those that experience a challenge in life and skate around the periphery until they eventually wind up at a place that resembles the life they once lived. they have a need to normalize the overall climate of living and usually what normal is resembles what came before. so they keep busy, try hard not to zoom in on those scary feelings, and go go go.

then you meet the folks who put on their gear (for as all women of the world know, gear is essential) and begin forging a path through the sea. i'm not talking Moses here - there is no parting of the waters for easy passage. this is all about suiting up, strapping down, and seeing if you can survive underwater for a while. its about remembering that giving up isn't an option and not necessarily seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but clinging to the strength deep down in your dusty boots and holding out hope that maybe there is one. the phases of healing happen here - shame, loss, denial, anger, loss (yes, usually twice), forgiveness.

it is usually the second school of thought that i have been considering when i talk of men close to my heart or when i tell stories of women i admire. there is a wisdom we gain in the midst of a conscious struggle - a struggle undertaken with consciousness. some time through this journey of awareness a peace sets in, the struggle subsides, and we move slower, think more clearly, and find ourselves again.

i guess what it is really all about though is the wisdom.

someone told me recently, "C, ever since I was 12 I prayed for wisdom. I didn't pray for baseball cards, extra dessert, or A's. I prayed for wisdom."

by the time this dear friend of mine and i wrapped our heads around the conversation we were diving into we decided that when he prayed for wisdom, he prayed for struggles, and in his life what he's got is a journey. it's hard for me to separate the notions of the journey and the struggles and the wisdom that we get. it's hard for me to know exactly what i'm trying to say when i speak in terms of getting older, getting wiser, but i think it most simply has something to do with awareness and being up for the challenge of getting to know yourself a little bit every day. and i've said more times than i can count on my fingers and toes, knowing yourself is the greatest challenge in this life. i'm relearning though, that its a test of our capacity to simultaneously see within ourselves and without and that the fruits of this labor, "the good work," are rich and sweet.