107.

i don’t think it’s too wild for me to imagine that the “achieve your dreams” pitch my parents offered me as a young thing is in any way mine alone. in fact, when it comes to dreams and going after them, any good parent in my childless opinion, should offer the world to their kid; wildly tearing away potential boundaries like streamers from that poorly attended thirteenth birthday party. to be sure, this is a part of caring and protecting for your kid, but in part it also because as a parent you may actually be convinced that your offspring is superhuman in life pursuits. i know my dad thinks i’m pretty unstoppable.

i’ve come up in life experimenting with this haphazard combination of hard work, risk-taking, elbow-rubbing, and flat out luck that i was taught is the formula to dream-shaping. it’s worked, mostly, and really i attribute that to good fortune, luck, being blessed, whatever you’d like to call it. sure i’ve worked hard and undoubtedly come from a place of privileged (read parents encouraging me to never settle, be my best), but because it’s worked i have failed to recognize the powers that be and the structures that offer another way of looking at the “achieve your dreams” approach.

after having determined what the dream is, the end goal, the thing all the other things eventually amount to, i decided to apply to some PhD programs. (how else will settle on that mountainside plot in North Carolina and teach about human rights, African American history and literature at a small liberal arts college, build my home with two small porches that are just the right size for rocking and writing on, and continue researching and writing for academic purposes as well?) a few years back i was accepted to a fancy New England school for a Masters and offered a full scholarship to go get that dream. all the boundaries that stood before me, for the most part, were removed. thank you institution! i started believing that, anything, really anything, may be possible.

now, i’m starting to question whether or not heart and dedication is enough.

i followed up with the two of four programs that said, “No thanks babe.” one thoughtful response is all i got. the thoughtfulness and honesty of the reply spoke to why that was my top choice school and i appreciated the way that this woman laid the cold hard facts beside the particulars of my application and gave me sincere feedback.

there’s this thing that’s been happening though. not only with this professor lady, but also with other professors i’ve spoken with in this process. they all say something to the effect of, “don’t do it. it’s nearly impossible.” or “there really are no jobs out there.” they are speaking to the state of higher education and humanities, the lack of jobs, they are speaking on behalf of the economy, but they are coming into direct conflict with this approach that i’ve worked to become good at my entire life.

what do you mean i can’t work hard, bring my passion to the table, study extra hard, work double-time, and land that job at that tiny liberal arts school? are you telling me that i picked the wrong dream…is that even possible?

they each say that “they aren’t trying to discourage me” from the pursuits that i treasure,

but what else could it do? a huge part of me still believes that i can achieve anything if i go after it, but the warnings are starting to tell me that i need to start heeding some warnings, and that maybe the idea of “dreaming the impossible dream” is as dated as Cervantes masterpiece.

it’s hard for me to accept that maybe times have changed, that maybe dreams have to submit to this terrible economy. there is something incredibly passive and outright boring in waving a white flag from behind the desk that doesn’t fulfill my passions each day.

so i’m starting an exploration into trying to shake up my dreams and mix up my passions. to look at my skills holistically and reconsider paths that push me towards developing a labor of love; a professional plan b that nourishes more than plan a might’ve.

maybe it’ll have to do, somehow, with writing.

hopefully i’ll surprise myself.