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[no need to hurry. no need to sparkle. no need to be anyone but oneself.]

                                                                                    -virginia woolf

there is a café around the corner from my house. it is just past this playground where young mothers and fathers take their offspring to learn to be gentle, to play fair, and to be kind. the café, to me, represents community. when i returned from my so close departure from this town it was this place where my return was first celebrated. then, over that first coffee, a chance run-in with my southward driving partner gave me a premature opportunity to reflect on decisions i made, experiences i had, and time i spent while away from New England. i wasn’t ready and still, at least a month after my return, as i gear up to stride boldly back into the real life, i feel unequipped to fully grasp all that i have taken in.

i don’t know what exactly i expect of myself, or how much marrow we can hope to suck out of experiences before the joy comes along with it, but i knew even in my moment of inadequate words and fragmented thoughts that as i sat beside the window and watched the neighborhood i know so well come to life, i was grateful. for every extended hand, warm bed, quiet walk, afternoon swim, thoughtful question, patient ear, moment of resistance, understanding and the misunderstandings, for the type of love that transcends place and time, that manifests in a history so sturdy it binds me to those i share it with, in a very real forever sort of way. my loves that i saw this summer, we always seem to pick up where we left off with a tune so fresh in our heads we commence to playing it straight away.

so when my friend asked, “how was it?” i stared at my hands clasping the mug. i wondered and marveled and smirked. i fell short of articulating an accurate sentiment that honored my experiences, but…i was thankful.

passing back by that park on my way home, i saw a mother watching me with eyes that sang a song mine have so many times. one of longing, of possibility and curiosity, of otherness. the song that says, that looks like a cool life…i wish it were mine.

it was then i realized how often i reject my own experiences and crave other adventures, life paths, opportunities, promises, skills, careers. it was then i recognized what a fool i had been.

speaking aloud to myself as i climbed the steps to my familiar home i said,

this year i want to desire nothing more than the life i am crafting.

that’s quite a takeaway, thanks for your wisdom y’all.